I didn't think it was possible to be actively boored.... lol
This weekend so far has been quite un-eventful other than the face that I got into SUPER cleaning mode and cleaned/organized my entire apartment(other than my bedroom.... I can just close that door. lol) So I've stayed pretty active and busy the whole weekend so far but have been boored while doing it. Oh well, it needed to get done. I like knowing where everything is.Here is the Video of me cleaning. I'm such a dork XD
I was so boored I even did a time lapse video of me cleaning the kitchen, doll area, and living room XD. I can be such a dork sometimes. I hope someone gets enjoyment out of these quirky little videos I do. I think I do them so I can go back, watch them, and laugh. I don't have a very good memory so they help me to remember.
Well I think I will go clean my dishes from today, and then maybe work on making Gaius his Larva cape (his first cosplay! XD) You can see more on this at my Uber Crafty Blog.
I think I like to blog because I can just simply type out what I am feeling without the worry of immediate repercussions or rejections of my opinions by others. I am normally really shy and timid because it seems like when I am I get shot down, ignored, thought of as a jerk, or laughed at (and not because I may for once be telling a joke correctly). I am horrible at telling jokes (but I've learned to deal with that and am amused by it myself sometimes lol. The thing I am not sure of though is why I like to post my blogs out on the internet for others to read. Maybe I want to find someone else who reads them and is interested, is a catalyst to write more, to see who even cares enough to read them, or just to simply prove I existed and had an opinion.
So I am on a plane, and won't have enough battery left to last the rest of the flight... I have the plane adapter, but it doesn't seem like there is any point to having it.... *sigh*
I have so many things I need to express, but I do not feel good and so those things I need to get out are not good things. I don't want to be kept in this cycle of negativity. Normally I am quite a positive person, but lately my life is so different than it ever has been before and I am having a hard time dealing with it.
I sort of feel like I did in high school when I was single and crushing really hard over David Maye for a long while. Except I don't have any crushes at the moment. None that are realistic anyway. I have this never ending want to hold someone and be held. Unlike in high school, I do realize that realistic expectations are in order. I just feel so god damned alone. I know I'm not though. I have Jamie, Oren, J.P., Pam, Dad, Mom, Jeromy, Bambi, Felecia.... I guess I, like any other human with a beating heart, wants someone to fill that "significant other" role, that someone who makes you want to wake up every day and stay up all night. I would love to have someone to come home to after work (or to be the stay at home "wife" and have dinner ready when they get home), someone to split the bills with, someone to cook dinner with, someone to cosplay with, someone to live in "the city" with, someone always open to go get coffee anytime, someone to share my and their existence, someone to inspire me to really "live", someone to inspire me to do my makeup every day, someone to inspire me to draw, someone I am so infatuated with that I like to doodle chibi's of us together, someone who will go to Phantom of the Opera with me, someone who makes me do the same lovey "sigh" that Wall-E does for EVE, someone who is almost moved to tears by the music they love(My personal favorites are "Death is the Road to Awe" from The Fountain, "Lapis Prologue" by Gackt, "Last Song" Seventh Night version by Gackt, "For The Princess" from Sailor Moon, "Komm Susser Tod" from Evangelion, ), someone I can cry in front of.
Wow that really turned into a run on sentence. I guess I should mention some good things as well. In all reality I really really have a great life and a lot to be thankful for. Being single is my only downer. I have a supportive family(who care for me no matter how horrible I am at calling them back, or out of reflex snap at questions regarding my strange hobbies in assumption that they are asking not to simply know, but to point out my strangeness). I have what seems to be a stable job for the moment, with decent hours. I'm saving for a trip to Japan in August.
I am turning 25 today and it really isn't as amazing as I would have thought it would be. I remember dreaming what my life would be like when I was 25. I am not where or how I dreamt I would be.
I had thought I would be doing some job that was a creative outlet (Makeup Artist, Illustrator, Designer, Etc) in a big city such as New York, London, or Tokyo.
I had thought I would have found the love of my life and would be oh so very happy with this person.
I thought I would have the fierce creative drive that I used to have, when I couldn't put a sewing needle, a paint brush, or a pencil down. That need to create beautiful things.
This is not the way things are currently, and it doesn't mean that I don't think there is still a chance for them to happen.
I think all the pieces would fall into place if I had my muse. I think that one true love would be my inspiration, my motivation. The flame to help spark my happiness and in turn my creativity.
I still have hope. I feel like the poor heart in the rain on a cement sidewalk pictured above. I was once beautiful flawless. Now I have slipped out of my original path onto the side lines. I've had my downs and have been stepped on. Some of my beautiful bright red has been scrapped of onto the cement, but most of it is still there shining. There is still hope that someone walking by might catch my shining red in the light and enjoy my beauty even if just for a moment, though I wish it were for longer.
Why is it so hard to relate to another human being when supposedly we are all experiencing the "human experience" in our own particular place and time?
We all have our own opinion and outlooks on each aspect of life, but there are only so many different combinations of experience/opinions on it. There shouldn't be enough to where we all as human beings can't relate in one way or another.
Love really should be a universal feeling. I sometimes think that some people omit themselves from feeling it because it us really, truly such a vulnerable feeling.'
What if you put yourself "out there enough"to say you love someone, but they in return do not love you to the same effect? What if they merely only appreciate the fact that they were brave enough to love you...
To me loving is an aspect of bravery.
Few of us are brave enough to TRULY love someone else through thick, thin, good, bad, convenient, etv. Few of us love each other 24-7.
It is a hard thing to do, but it is a mandatory, necessary, invaluable, un-doable act for those that we truly love.
The ones you love always know they are loved. There is no reason to say it, but you do anyway.
You all know you are loved (or you should) Even if you don't know someone well. I think you can still care for them deeply
The reciprocation is the hard part. It is so hard loving and not necessarily being loved back in return.
So many times, loving someone else can be just enough. To see someone you love smile can be enough to fuel you to go on. The dream to make them happy is enough to go one.
I feel so restless. Like a kid on their birthday waiting for their present, but I don't know its my birthday. I'm just waiting/wishing for something amazing.
In this case I do not know what constitutes amazing. I can't tell whether I feel like the last leaf hanging on in the Fall, or the first bud waiting to bloom in Spring.
Maybe Spring affects us all. It is, after all, only natural.
