I really thought I had found him. I still think I have.
I still really care for him - I always will. He's like a best friend but more. I didn't know you could get to a point where you can cry so much that you run out of tears. Its like a horrible dry heave that happens when you have the stomach virus and there are no more stomach contents to throw up.
I don't hate him, in fact I love him quite dearly - even though I haven't said so to him. He knows I care, but I don't think he really gets how much.
The Fountain has been close to my heart. I keep running Tommy's desperation through my head where he says "I just wanted you to be with me" to his cancer infected wife. If only my situation were such (though of course I don't want him or me to have cancer but you get the idea.) Tommy just wants to be with her, but this un-defeat-able fact of life will separate them - and soon. Tommy can't cope with that.
Everything really isn't ok - I am openly willing to admit that everything is not ok. I normally try to save face for everyone else's sake. But I am at such a place that I can't even pretend to be ok a much as I wish I could. I hate having others worry for me.
This time I've lost some of the pieces to my broken heart. Its been broken a few times before, and I had always been able to put all the pieces back together. There were imperfections.... but now there are chunks missing. They turned to dust and melted under the rain of my tears.
いま私は希望がいない. 私は虹を失ってしまった.
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