Friday, February 25, 2011

a SCRATCH! As if it meant nothing. Twill Serve

Broken glass

Art Though hurt?

Courage man... the hurt can not be much..?


All that I am, all that I grew to. I was a goddess. 
I wanted to share my immortality with you, but instead you took my vitality.
You snuffed it out like a candle. I've now been placed back.
Back into the mortal realm of wondering, nay dreaming, of when it will end.
This cage of distrust, of poignancy, of weariness, of displacement, of disgust.


I had finally found my peace right before you came along
I was finally happy to be on my own
I had finally reconciled with the fact that I would always be alone
I was happy with and by myself
You pursued me
I opened up
I gave you my mind.
I gave you my heart.
I gave you my love.
then you threw it to the wind saying it only sparked your love, heart, mind for another
As if I didn't matter to you - as if it all meant nothing
You took what you wanted from me - used me like some tool
to kick start your heart and improve upon your art

Now I will spend another 3 years getting back to that lonesome paradise

I bet you would say "I thought all for the best..."

One is easily fooled by that which one loves. -- Jean Baptiste Poquelin Moliere

BJD-Photostory-2010-08-25-Gaius & Leeloo - Leeloo for the better - 33
( 8135V) ~> ( 8412V)

Monday, February 21, 2011

He took my art, broke my heart, and squashed the last of my hope

 He took my art, broke my heart, and squashed the last of my hope. 

I still love him and can't cope. I wish I could fight for him, but I can't bewitch his heart. Only make it beat for another - evidently. 
 Broken glass
I wish I could sleep my way down this slippery slope. I've no want for anything but him - food, drink, painting, dolls. All the things that gave me comfort seem meaningless. My once precious BJD's all boxed up. I'm now a blank piece of paper without any characteristic of caring.

( 8021V) ~> ( 8135V)

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I've lost some of the pieces to my broken heart

Happy Valentines Day - 5

I really thought I had found him. I still think I have.

I still really care for him - I always will. He's like a best friend but more. I didn't know you could get to a point where you can cry so much that you run out of tears. Its like a horrible dry heave that happens when you have the stomach virus and there are no more stomach contents to throw up.

I don't hate him, in fact I love him quite dearly - even though I haven't said so to him. He knows I care, but I don't think he really gets how much.
The Fountain has been close to my heart. I keep running Tommy's desperation through my head where he says "I just wanted you to be with me" to his cancer infected wife. If only my situation were such (though of course I don't want him or me to have cancer but you get the idea.) Tommy just wants to be with her, but this un-defeat-able fact of life will separate them - and soon. Tommy can't cope with that.

Everything really isn't ok - I am openly willing to admit that everything is not ok. I normally try to save face  for everyone else's sake. But I am at such a place that I can't even pretend to be ok a much as I wish I could. I hate having others worry for me.

This time I've lost some of the pieces to my broken heart. Its been broken a few times before, and I had always been able to put all the pieces back together. There were imperfections.... but now there are chunks missing. They turned to dust and melted under the rain of my tears.

いま私は希望がいない. 私は虹を失ってしまった.

( 7926V) ~> ( 8021V)

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Happy about Coffee sans Sugar?!

Leeloo's preoccupied hangout - 1

Lost in thought and sometimes daydreams....

Find more artists like The Mercer Party at Myspace Music

I've been daydreaming a lot more lately and its been oh so nice. I had started to run out of things to daydream about other than my next photoshoot or this new doll/gizmo that was on the way.

I'm working more towards my goal of being slimmer (and healthier). It'd be great to be able to very easily be swept off my feet (literally) again. *cube* hehe =) I also want to be in better cosplay shape. As part of my attempt to be healthier I decided to cut out extraneous sugars (completely except for some splenda in my british black tea. I'm actually enjoying coffee without any sugar. And I did it cold-turkey!) I want to figure out some kind of exercise too.... in all reality I would LOVE to find a way to get to the swimming pool a lot. Swimming laps with a waterproof mp3 player setup sounds like a dream to me.

I've also drawn more lately as well. I've been working quite diligently on a pair of images but  my phone's flickr app is being a butt-munch like normal so no preview pic for my readers. And of course just as I say that... the upload works the 30th try.

It's amazing what a dash of happiness can do

( 7228V) ~> ( 7747V)