Thursday, July 29, 2010

sand in between my toes and the flowers forgotten

These flowers should be in a vase on someone's desk with a note or drawing of some sort showing some kind of endearment from someone they love.

Why are they left forgotten on this desk, above the compost trash where they seem to be meant for...?

The foundation of my found happiness is rapidly crumbling and has started to become sharp gravel under my bare feet. The gravel gashes into my flesh, sure to leave scars once again.

The gravel eventually begins to loose its rough harshness and turns into sand

Each time this happens, the ability to feel sand between my toes dims. Each time it takes a more determined tickle to reach past the scar tissue.

Maybe eventually I will find someone as determined and devoted as me.
It felt good to write. Writing always helps.

( 3626V) ~> (3640V) 

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Start of a series of Paintings

I was lost in my thoughts one day on the bus (as I have been lately) and I suddenly thought of a theme for a series of paintings I wanted to do. Most would think I had specific imagery in mind for each painting, but I really wanted to feed of each idea and just create what would come from each feeling/idea. I did not have any prescribed composition or characters for these paintings.

So far all of these have been done in a little sketchbook of mine so I may translate these to better/larger materials later on. I also do not know how many paintings this series will consist of, all I know is there are more to make.

Part of a Series: Believing in it's Existence

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Part of a series: Won't you just go on an' leave me

 * --~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~--*

Part of a series: My give up on Magic

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 ( 3308V) ~> (3626V)  

Since June 25 2010

Friday, July 23, 2010

Daydreaming restlessly

I generally am a very easy to please person, but lately I just have been..... disgruntled? dissatisfied? disappointed?

They all sound too negative and way more serious than it really is. I waver between how much they weigh on me daily. Some days are much worse than others.

My head was so full of thoughts this morning, I thought I had gotten on the wrong bus to get to work and thus if I had to get off and find a new route I would have probably been at least an hour late AND I hate being late for things.... its one of my pet-peeves.

And really, when I think about it... a lot of my frustrations lately are just my fault. Not necessarily that I am the source but they are all things I could bring up, things I could start to change... Its all just a simple point of having the confidence to. Some of those things aren't even things that should bother most people, but they do bother me. The hardest ones are the ones that don't just affect me.

One of my stupid silly things is my want to do crazy things with my hair.... but I can't because of work (at least I assume so.... I haven't really asked. I guess all they could do is say no)

I need to figure out what I want and how the heck I'm gonna get there. Then I need to have the gumption to follow through on it and hope it all works out.

There are so many things I want

I want to live in a different place. 
Preferably Capitol Hill Area
(Yay for Darby, Art Stores, Dollie time, Craft time, Coffee Shops, and Parks)
The Belltown Area
(Yay for being near the Needle, shopping, and eventually near work)

I want to be more creative.
 I want something of my own creation to be beautiful and inspirational. I want to be inspired to do my own makeup/hair/dress up more.

I want to do more Doll customization like below
I want to paint more physical 2-D paintings like the one below:

I want to work on more Digital work with a Cintiq 12WX like the ones below

I want to look like the me that is in my head.
I want to be back at my ~120 lbs again.
I want to feel comfortable wearing spaghetti strap tops again
I want to look good in anything again.
I want to get my hair done regularly (maybe a short style, or a long scene style) Or learn to do it myself!
(Yay for DIY)
Once Upon a time, I wanted to be like this (bright and colorful)
Now I think I want to be something a little more like this
(maybe wear colorful color extensions on the weekends)
Or Maybe like this (except have black dreads)
I want more piercings.
Tragus (both sides done - my left is already done)

bottom lobe gauged to 00 probably

Septum Piercing


Labre Piercing

( ?V) ~> (?V)

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


 Gaius: "Honey, are you ok?"
Lum: "Yea, I'm just dreaming"

The days lately seem to take forever and yet go by too fast.

The things I want to last don't, and the things I want to hurry go slower.

Its so scary to feel, and yet miserable when you try not to.

You try to be thankful and grateful and yet can't help but think of all of the what if's and why's

( ?V) ~> (?V)

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Getting back to the basics

It really sucks when something from the past comes back to poke you in the again.

This time it poked pretty hard and I was bed-ridden for almost a week - and it still is poking me when sitting. Sometimes I start to think of my back injury from my Japan trip and it makes me really angry. It wouldn't have been so angering if it had happened because I was training to be a ninja, had tried to climb the 1:1 scale Gundam, went crowd surfing at a Moi Dix Mois concert....but of course it wasn't. I try to remember that going again next year will be even more enjoyable because I will know my way around better and will actually have someone there to geek out with.

Fairyland store? OMG I can't believe it and cannot wait to go. It will be even more awesome because my friend who is going with me is just as passionate about Fairyland as I am (if not more so)

Also, I am trying to prepare myself for the trip as well. I want to pre-research where I want to go and what I want to do. I also want to get a DSLR and greatly improve my photography skills before going there. I really want to get back into my OCD documentation. I enjoy doing it, and I also enjoy re-visiting it later.

I think I have begun to narrow down my camera to the Canon T2i for its video and photography.
I also want to see about getting a Canon 50mm 1.8 lens and making a DIY light setup

I really want to get into doing more doll photostories again.

( ?V) ~> (?V)