Monday, July 27, 2009

What to do when you're awake, but not there? (7:27 am) and my OCD tendancy

So, I am awake (yawnin' a little) and feel like I am sort of in limbo.

Kind of how one feels after being hit in the stomach really hard minus any pain. I am sure this makes tons of sense. I feel like I am in shock, but have no reason to be shocked. I'm hoping this isn't some kind of Deja Vu or like prepping for the future because I cant tell if this shocked feeling would be from a good or bad event.

My life has been the same the past two weeks really. This past weekend could have been a total bummer, because all my plans got changed except for one doll meet and then I got invited to another one. So the meets helped to save my weekend.

I have had some anxiety around my..... obsessiveness with things that I like..... "Obsessive" has a negative connotation and I do not necessarily see it as negative all the time. I am just afraid it can/will turn out negative.

Once I find something I like I tend to be pretty stuck on that thing for years. The hard part is finding something I like. I have very particular, peculiar, and unique tastes. Because of my unique likes I tend to find things or activities I like, but when I find a person I like (just a friend or otherwise) I always get scared that I will call, text, email, or IM too much and they will think I am annoying and not want to associate with me anymore. I had an Ex who was really annoying because he had to know what I was doing all the time and would freak out if I didn't respond to irrelevant(seriously... I'd get pictures of like..... the dog and a family member that wasn't nice and they didn't like) emails or if I didn't text him for 2 hours. Anyway.... I want to hear from the people I care about, even if it is something as simple as "hey" or "good morning" or "hope you are well". That little bit of effort put forth into doing that shows that they at least for that second or two were thinking about me and that little fact in my head makes me happy.

Its the simplest things that make me happy.

Making a cup of coffee at work just right.
Finding Hearts randomly (Which I do ALOT)
Finding a new Malice Mizer video I haven't seen (this is a rare occurence!)
Playing WoW with friends I know in real life (this is how I mostly play)
Watching the videos I have made (Especially the time lapse of the paintings)
Filling up a shopping cart full of BJD Items I want from Fairyland, Luts, and Dollmore. (And hopefully getting some of them one day)
Drinking cheap strawberry wine after a stressful day at work
Listening to the same 6 songs I am hooked on for two weeks straight (Tukan - Wonder of life, Together We Will Live Forever - The Fountain Soundtrack, Haruki Murakami - The Slants, Love Within My Sins - The Slants, You Rock My World - Michael Jackson, The Bravest Thing - Bare Naked Ladies)

(86 V) ~~> (100 V)

What to do when you can't sleep? (2:18 am)

I'm restless, I can't sleep. I'm not sad. I'm dreaming while awake too much, so much I can't sleep (nor do I want to).

I don't want to sleep because I typically don't dream when sleeping (Or at least I do not remember them) When I do dream... they are nightmares. The ones you wake up full in sweat or crying. Luckily I've only had a handful of those the past few years.

I don't want to sleep because I have too many beautiful things I want to create (Paintings, Photostories, Videos)
*A video I worked on earlier tonight is below*

I have so much I want to experience (this unfortunately has limiting factors which I cannot control. A few big ones for me currently are money and distance)

Back to the problem at hand..... sleeping...

I hate sleeping alone. I like to cuddle up to someone/something whenever possible, but its best when sleeping. (Of course I am selective about the object of my cuddles, lol)

I think I might try to see if there is something soft, cute, cuddly, and comforting at Toys R Us, Mall, or Target tomorrow. Ball Jointed Dolls are too hard to cuddle with, and cost too much in case I have a nightmare and throw it across the room. Maybe if I had somethin' to snuggle I could sleep better. (I know its childish, but if you know me you are laughing at this point because this craziness totally makes sense for me) So go ahead, shake your head at my silliness.

Music for my mood ~ enjoy ~

(67 V) ~> (86 V)

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Re-Learning that Positive things come to positive people. *On a plane to Japan in 1 month!*

I have been down about various things the past week or so, when I really shouldn't have been.

Just when I finally was able to start convincing myself that my worries were unjustified and stupid, sure thing the worries went away and happiness returned once again to my life.

Like Dory says "~Just keep swimming~"

Keep a positive attitude and the butterflies will stay and the bees will go away. (haha I made a rhyme)

I also believe ones own happiness can filter out onto others too. Happiness is a good cootie to catch XD (I should draw what one looks like)

So, Japan in one month!

VERY exciting.

Goals to get done this week for planning Japan

1. Make a list of the places I'd like to go
⁃ SOOM Store
⁃ Moi Meme Moitie
⁃ Harajuku Bridge
2. Find out where these places are and map out how to get to each of them
3. Figure out how to handle the phone situation (whether to upgrade to international plan with AT&T or get a pre-pay phone in Japan (if they translate for me... hellz yes)


I've found myself on this roller coaster, and I have NEVER liked roller coasters.

I chose to step off that roller coaster. Best decision this week!

(67 V)

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

You make yourself and your life.

BJD-Gaius-Kitty Ears - 10

You make yourself and your life. It's up to you how it goes.

You make time for the things and people you care about, the things and activities which are important you or are necessary.

We live our lives for us right? Its our life.

You may tell yourself that you are just busy and while that may be true. It doesn't mean that you don't have time to pay your bills, that you don't have time to run to the store for that drink you are thirsty for, that you don't have time to find out how your loved ones are doing, that you don't have time to say good morning, that you don't make time for that favorite TV show.

I've found myself on this roller coaster, and I have NEVER liked roller coasters.

I tend to not fare well when it comes to the sick stomach feeling which gravity can impose, but I know I'll survive and sometimes its fun to reflect on a time you were scared.

The experience of being scared lets you know you are alive, and appreciate when you are blissful.

(64 V)

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Now the butterflies have attracted the stinging bees

It had been so long I didn't realize that the butterflies were never alone.

They are always followed by these hateful stinging bees. You don't even have to swat for these guys to sting. They try to find where the butterflies had landed on you and gave a kiss of happiness and ruin it.

The bees don't even have to sting. They just have to buzz around your head so you can't hear. Maybe their buzzing has just gotten you so diss-oriented you are just miss-interperiting things or over reacting.

(59 V)

Friday, July 17, 2009



If it comes down to it, what do I want/need? What concerns are there.

I'm ready to be that butterfly in the wind again. I always hate coming home left only with my worried thoughts. Can't I get sucked into drawing again? Can't I be satisfied in making photostories?

Why do I feel the urgent want to connect? I used to not care if anyone else cared, but I do.

I do.

I need to not be scared, be myself, and just be happy with me and mine.

Normally typing things out really helps, but at the moment I am sitting in front of this keyboard with a cloud over my head. I want to let it all out, but just don't have it in me.


(51 V)

Sunday, July 12, 2009

I asked for butterflies, right?

I asked for butterflies, right?

But is this really what I want and need? How might this turn out?

Why do I have to have such a youthful spark, but yet so adult morals and responsibilities. Its hard to find someone else like that.

Should I care about the little things? If you have a bunch of 1's and you add them up... they eventually become a big number. Nothing will be perfect, that I know.

Some of the things were remedied eventually, but should it have ever happened at all?

I mean enough to confess to, but not enough to tell the truth from the beginning? I guess I can understand... afraid of rejection or not being given a chance. I'm not good at showing 100% of myself to others either.

How different would it be were they decisive? What if the decision was not what I wanted to hear, or what I wanted to hear? What will be the difference between now and the future?

I'm not even sure of what I want to hear. Well I know what I want to hear should the stars align. I wish my luck in life were as such, but that is not the case. I can only control my life and my decisions. I don't want it guilted or forced. I just want to know.

Love, come set me free.
"Got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same"
Love Please, Its tiring making lemonade all the time. It's even harder trying to share that lemonade.

Brett Dennen's "Ain't No Reason"

(36 V)

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Life and the acronym of R.T.F.M.

(No pictures for this blog today folks. I'm doing a serious re-org on my iPhoto and Flickr libraries)

I have found that life doesn't have a manual to it. If you have someone questioning what they should do, or how their life is, there is no way you can tell them to just RTFM (Read The Fucking Manual) because there isn't one.

Each life has its own nuances, its own particular circumstances. Each person makes decisions differently, has different likes and dislikes. AND it is those nuances that makes life interesting, but I also think that people are afraid of those nuances. Afraid to let the tendencies that make them unique shine and not conform to the societal perfect desirable human.

Simply said, one of mine is my love of wearing my cute kitty ears out in public. I like doing it, but some days I have enough confidence to do it and others I don't. Some days I do not feel like dealing with the effort it takes to swim against the current. Another one would be my dolls. I really do enjoy the hobby and bringing them with me places, and now that I have a smaller one, I always have one with me. But I tend to only take them out when with people I truly trust. My creativity goes into them, so they in a way are a part of me. Not to mention they are just plain expensive. lol

Instead of being able to RTFM, I wish I could have a coin with two sides. One says "GOOD" and the other "BAD". I wish this coin and the gravity that would control it when I flip it in the air would know whether or not the majority of the life experience that will come from a decision would be "GOOD" or "BAD". I wouldn't want to see the future results of a decision (then it would be a boring journey to an end result you already knew would happen). I also understand that the decisions we make, and what happens because of said decision, can never have only good outcomes/consequences. But it would be nice to know if they were good or bad over-all.

Then also... how would this coin know if the value of said "GOOD" would really out weigh the "BAD" even if there were more "BAD" than "GOOD" according to its scale?

When all is said and done, you just have to be you, make your decisions and then they will decide if they love or hate you for it.

(10 V)

Thursday, July 2, 2009

How fitting is it?

What a strange coincidence is it that these stars have aligned. Do they fortell the future?
Its Thursday, the day before Friday, the day before I have a date. (what seems like my first date ever... well technically it is when you compare it to the other two guys I have 'dated')

I woke up so early today that I have been doing things out of order, started playing music on the iPhone before turning on bluetooth and connecting to my headset, by the time I connected to my headset it was stuck on Gackt's Kimi Ni Aitakute (on loop I might add) and I don't specifically recall setting it on this song, nor on repeat yesterday.

I am trying to not get too excited. I've got to protect my fragile heart, but the events so far are so coincidental.


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Ramblings of an increasingly happy girl.

I don't want to jinx it, but it is seeming I have gotten out of my funk. I haven't been sleeping at odd hours nearly as much as I was a few weeks ago. I've been getting a lot of things done!

I've kept the apartment a lot tidier (Not that most people would have considered it dirty I am slightly OCD)

I have been doing a lot more of the things I enjoy like Doll Meets, Doll photoshoots, blogging, talking with old friends more, and making new friends.

The only way it would be better is if I had less debt (working on it), had more Dolls like Shine or El or Karsh or Ante or Pipi or Lishe or Tan Yuu or Miyavi (this is on my long list of to get), had a Cintiq 12wx, had a DSLR (gotta make up my mind on which one) made more money (working on it), and lived downtown alone or with someone (working on it)

Though there are some things I have missed lately, I haven't gotten to hang out with Oren, play WoW, or gotten to see much of Jamie. Its ok though, I'll have to fix that.

*crosses fingers for more happiness*