Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I've lost some of the pieces to my broken heart

Happy Valentines Day - 5

I really thought I had found him. I still think I have.

I still really care for him - I always will. He's like a best friend but more. I didn't know you could get to a point where you can cry so much that you run out of tears. Its like a horrible dry heave that happens when you have the stomach virus and there are no more stomach contents to throw up.

I don't hate him, in fact I love him quite dearly - even though I haven't said so to him. He knows I care, but I don't think he really gets how much.
The Fountain has been close to my heart. I keep running Tommy's desperation through my head where he says "I just wanted you to be with me" to his cancer infected wife. If only my situation were such (though of course I don't want him or me to have cancer but you get the idea.) Tommy just wants to be with her, but this un-defeat-able fact of life will separate them - and soon. Tommy can't cope with that.

Everything really isn't ok - I am openly willing to admit that everything is not ok. I normally try to save face  for everyone else's sake. But I am at such a place that I can't even pretend to be ok a much as I wish I could. I hate having others worry for me.

This time I've lost some of the pieces to my broken heart. Its been broken a few times before, and I had always been able to put all the pieces back together. There were imperfections.... but now there are chunks missing. They turned to dust and melted under the rain of my tears.

いま私は希望がいない. 私は虹を失ってしまった.

( 7926V) ~> ( 8021V)


  1. such sad words accompanied by tears of sorrow, sorry you're going through such a tough time, things will get better I promise.

  2. <3 and tons of hugs and cuddles. i've been where you are and know that anything i say will not help ease the pain, but i am here for you. even if only to give you a shoulder to cry on or a moment's distraction, i'm here. it can take time - years even - to find enough scattered pieces of your heart to put it back together. there will be cracks and holes remaining, but one day you'll wake up and realize that you can go on, that you're able to live with those broken bits and grow around them. until that day and beyond, i'm here for you and i know everyone else is as well. <3

  3. whow, I feel really sorry that you are feeling so pain.
    I send you a big hug from the Netherlands.
    You don't know me, but that doesn't matter, I like watching you talking about you're dolls and made me fall in love with them.
    Now I have 4 (all second hand).
    I have felt the pain you are going trhough and I know like you will never feel better again, but sweety, you will. Some day suddenly you look outside and the sun is shinning just for you, birds sing just for you and when you are really lucky maybe even a rainbow just for you.
    not tommorow, not next week but when you don't expect it.
    Just hold on
    love Barbra

  4. I know your world seems dark right now, but you must have hope! It will come to you. Hang in there, and it'll be better soon.

    You know, both of these characters 希望 mean hope. But I know it's hard to see hope when yo're alone. But each character on its own means hope too. So I hope that, even if you don't have them now, they're still somewhere inside you, and you'll be able to stand up on your own two feet again soon and come back to us. We miss you.