Thursday, September 16, 2010

Insatiable Hope

Sometimes I wish I didn't have this endless - insatiable - unappeasable - never ending - inexhaustable - discontented - unfulfilled - voracious - immeasurable - continuous - boundless - unsatisfied hope that wavers between "I'll find him" and "I've found him"

It never seems the one I've "found" has the same feeling. It always seems like they've "settled" or are "forced" (like driver's ed class), or are just simply indifferent, but I'm never able to figure out what their mindset is. They never will open up and talk to me - even when I ask directly. I swear I'm more interesting, lovable, and amazing than that. I know I am a great catch (not perfect, but great)!

I'm glad I've never thought I've been the problem....I hope I never get to that point. Unless I somehow am the problem or part of it... but if that is the case I wish they'd tell me!

Or do I have an entertainment expiration date? My entertainment time length seems to shorten as I go through each new love interest. A tattoo'd bar code would be hilarious.
Won't I ever find someone that can't stop thinking about me? That tries so hard to make me smile? That can't wait for the next moment to be with me? That wants to know me, my passions, dreams, desires? Someone that it decisive on being with me. Someone that wants to share in each other's existence.

On the other side of this I am aware that I tend to be Queen Oblivious when it comes to flirting and such. I'm just a whole ball of confused, convoluted, confounded, bamboozled, perplexed, bewildered, shy, doubtful, and uncertain bafflement.
And I want to end by totally stealing from a dear friend's Tumblr page. 
"just afraid. I know I can love you."
"if this fails I am not going to lie, I will be completely crushed and though I know I will do one thing.  I will let it happen again until I am not crushed to oblivion."

( 4595V) ~> ( 4631V)

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