Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Longest random blog ever. ほかの道と思った、ね

I think I am starting on a different path.

I feel my direction changing, like I am in a sailboat without a rutter (steering mechanism). The wind is my driving and directional force.

I went through a stage where I felt so utterly alone, and I clung to what in my mind was a rose at the time. The harder I clung to and cared for this rose, the more I kept running into its thorns. No matter how pretty, soft, or sweet smelling I thought this rose was I just couldn't and shouldn't have had to take the thorns any longer. But I think this is a bad analogy..... the things that hurt me, the thorns.... were things that were not innate or naturally occuring, not a simple fact of life. They were actions which were chosen.

I need to be happy with where the wind blows. It just hurts to wish for, long for what seems to be impossible. Be happy with how things are, and if they change or that wish happens to come true then be oh so thankful. One shouldn't regret or not be satisfied with what they have (especially if they truly have nothing to be sad about). Then again, you can't know happiness without knowing sadness. Each makes you appreciate/understand the other. One would think that by the law of averages.... I have had my share of sadness.

I have a good life, and should be/am very grateful/thankful but I am so restless. Why can I not be satisfied with what I have?

I want the fairy-tale. I want the protective samurai. I want them to be able to finish my sentence. I want someone I am comfortable enough to tell my sorrows and cry with. I want someone who shares my passions. I want to have the unwavering knowledge that they care no matter what. I want to know that they are thinking about me too. I want to have my heart flutter when they look at me. I want to be wanted for the right reasons. I want to be inspired to paint/create/draw/cosplay. I want someone who will think my quirky actions to be cute and not criticize them. I want to love and be loved. (The sad part is.... that I think it is easier for me to be loved, than it is for me to love. I have tried in the past to make my heart feel love and it did not end well. My heart has a mind of its own and I cannot persuade it to think one way or another)

I don't want to settle for what I need. Why must I always aim for the stars?

I just have to find that one shooting star to break past the armor now placed around my heart but I don't have a telescope nor a net to catch the star. I have to find it before I can catch it, but the universe is so vast. I don't know where to start.

I am watching one of my favorite movies, The Fountain.

I love this movie for so many reasons: The Music, The Characters.

The Music:
The music for this movie moves me to tears. It is just so simply beautiful. I listen to it a lot when I try to sleep at night, hoping its sound will help me to have dreams as beautiful as the music. For the past..... maybe 6 years or so I have not been able to dream on a regular basis. My dreams seem to be connected to my happiness. When I am happy (not fleeting happiness, but when my whole universe is complete, at peace, whole, as it should be, blissful) I am able to dream on a regular basis and feel inspired to be creative.

*~*~*~/Dream Rant~*~*~*
I dreamt of what true, real, throughout time, undying love was like once. It was so blissful I that when I woke up, I was actually able to go back to sleep and start my dream back where it left off. For a person who has trouble sleeping, having dreams at all, much less remembering their dreams, this was an amazing thing. It is quite silly, but this dream, my trouble with dreams, and the fact I was able to return to it really helps give me hope for love and happiness. The strangest part about this dream was that this manifestation of love which I was so happy with in the dream.... did not have a face. It had a soft, warm body and the most beautiful voice. In my dream, there were always these creatures after us that wanted to separate me and this manifestation of love. Somehow we always were able to escape. We survived as long as we were hand in hand.
*~*~*~/end Dream Rant~*~*~*

The Characters:
Conquistador/Tommy/The Last Man/Hugh Jackman: I feel so very much for this man. He gets so caught up in trying to keep his love from dying he forgets to appreciate the time he has. A blinded love such as his can be so blissful, and yet so painful. "Death is a disease, just like any other and there is a cure...... and I will find it"

Queen of Spain/Izzi/Tree of Life/Rachel Weisz: I admire her for her strength to not dwell on unfortunate facts outside of her control (her own sickness). I admire her persistent love of her life and Tommy. She always appreciates the time she has, and Tommy. "I'm not afraid anymore Tommy.......I AM with you, look. I'll always be with you. I promise."

Normally I feel better after writing, but I don't this time.

I feel restless. I feel like a lost traveler in a land where no one speaks my language. I feel like I am unable to relate to those around me. I feel like an alien in a strange land where up is left and right is down. I'm not angry about my mis-placement. I am quite simply baffled, confused.

( 295V) ~~> ( 341V)

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